Sometimes, Loyalty Sucks

I asked no questions from you.
Because I did not want to hear your lies.
Because, at the end of the day, I still wanted to respect you.
Liar..

Where the Bloody Hell Am I?

The perception of people, even your closest friends can be somewhat warped and so far from reality.
I allow just a handful of people to be my friends, to know me inside out. And when crunch time comes, I know they’d be there for me. To stand by me. To listen to my story first. Before they judge me.
Just goes to show how wrong I can be.

Patiently

I have learned… If nothing else, I have learned. The past has taught me all the lessons I could possibly need to prepare myself for the years to come. For the pain I have yet to endure, I have noone but myself to blame. I am aware, therefore, I accept. Or not.
I wait…
For the moment when I have to do what I dread doing the most. What I have been waiting for all my life.
Will I be prepared?
Will it be enough?

“…..it should come from you”

When one expects too much, one often ends up in disappointment.
The hardest thing to accept is that expectations go hand in hand with trust and respect. And when one is shattered, the rest follows suit.
How does one rebuild one’s trust, or must one no longer trust and hold oneself away from hurt and disillusionment?

On Behalf Of… (Sentiments of the Consensus)

That’s right.
While you were out having the time of your life, we were working our asses off just so you’d look good in other people’s eyes.
And how do you show your appreciation?
Whose ass do you cover?
When something extraordinary has been accomplished, whose head do you pat?
To whom do you give credit?
The clock is ticking…..
However much you try to contain it,
Something’s gonna give.
It sure as hell wouldn’t be me.
I’ve had my turn.
Now it’s yours.
Are you ready? Are you even aware of what’s happening?

Compromise

I’m positively no longer the same person I was, and I’m afraid of the path I’m taking to be the person I want to be.
More importantly, I fear that I wouldn’t like the person I’ll be.
I realize now that even if you refuse to play the game, you find that you still lose.
I could elaborate, but I choose not to.
The more I elaborate, the deeper I might get into confusion.
It appears that there is no way I can get myself out of this but I will strive on.
Strive on, strive on, strive on.
And I’m not caring what other people feel about this; whether they understand my situation or not.
Right now, I can’t afford to care.
I have a life to find, and hopefully to live, you know.
And at this point of time, some emotions, some feelings are best ignored.

Give Me Migraines Anytime

How many times have I proven to myself that I can handle pressure? And yes, I may be crazy, but I do thrive on it, I actually demand that that one factor always be present in order for me to perform well. And if I can’t find it, tough luck, I’ll just have to make it up. And so I pressure myself, I push myself, I set higher goals for myself. Because achieving standard goals just makes me what? Belonging to the average group? Not really, because for me, that makes me a very lazy person - someone who would do what’s only expected of them, what they were told to.
I’ve always detested those who never aspire to be someone in their chosen fields. I mean, if you’re going to be a criminal, you’d better be one of the best damn criminals the world has ever seen, if not the best.
I don’t know what I’m driving at here, actually.
It’s just that all of a sudden, I feel so tired of what I’m doing but I can’t just leave. Something doesn’t feel right. No, a lot. But you keep on doing what you’re doing. Because you’re no longer a child. You are now acquainted with that thing - consideration. Oh, and a lot of other things as well - discretion, politics, hierarchy, and everything you’ve acquired while walking the road to maturity. If we could only shed them.
I’ve been having headaches for the past five days now. I didn’t want to call them migraines - they’re for sissies, for those who shy away from their responsibilities. But as days passed and my ‘headaches’ became so painful that they were making me throw up, I had to give in and change my views on migraines. I wasn’t that far gone to call myself a sissy.
Am I just biting off more than I could chew? Because the other conclusion is not really acceptable.
Burnout - I hate the word.

Stay or Leave? Where? When? How?

How can you be truly happy when you realize that you can still have so much by giving less than you are currently doing? Is it sensible to accept that what you have is enough when you only have to reach out your hand and you can have more? Will you be considered too ambitious? Or worse, too materialistic? But if you stay and be content with what you have, won’t you be labeled as complacent? Or lazy even?
And just when you’ve come to a decision, how do you go about breaking it to those who will be most affected by it?

Enough!

For once in your life, can't you be considerate to those around you? Can’t you even try not to be selfish and think of other people’s feelings before you go and inconvenience them to your heart’s delight? Can’t you at least lend a helping hand rather than ask for favors? Or when you do seek help (which you always do), can’t you not do it in your usual demanding self? Because frankly, the world does not owe you a thing. I most certainly don’t. So when you come barging into one’s life, do try to think (if that’s within your brain’s capabilities - I’m just assuming here of course that you have one) if you are disrupting one’s routine.
I can recall a few names that would be quite apt for you though I realize that no matter what I say, you’ll never be able to grasp their meaning and just think me bitter and envious. For isn’t that your theory in life? That whenever one criticizes you, one is most assuredly not content with one’s lot in life and is only looking at yours with envy and bitterness? I must admit to a certain degree of envy - because I could never be that dense and uncaring and pass through life unscathed by other’s pain and suffering. I envy you the indifference you wear, for you are unaffected by it all.
When I said, "I see no reason, no benefit from associating with you.", I was not being mercenary, nor was I joking, nor being melodramatic - I was stating a fact. And I will say it again, if given the opportunity - IN YOUR FACE.
Let’s just pray that our relationship does not come to that point, or better yet, it does not come to anything at all.
May your fondest wish come true.
May you live in the most interesting times.
And may you live forever….

(In)difference

This is for the times I didn’t speak when I should have,
for those situations wherein I bottled things up I know I shouldn’t have,
for that special moment when I held myself back and so, fooled everyone into thinking that I didn’t care,
or when I retreated to that special place I created just for myself -
and chose to ostracize myself.
It was not my intention to push people away,
I just had to regroup and fortify my defenses.
I just had to heal on my own and try not to infect those I care about.
I kept silent as it is the only way I knew to shield them from my anger, from my hurt, and from the things I know will only hurt them.
I can deal with myself, but I fear that nobody else can.
Is that arrogance? So others imply.
But then again, I’ve never really cared about the opinions of those I don’t respect.
I mean, will the world stop revolving just because some ignoramus did not approve of me or of my actions?
So there. In life, there are things that we can never control.
But we can always try.
Or we can let go.
And focus on those things that we CAN control.
I believe that’s more productive.
This is my reparation, my feeble attempt at explaining away my actions (or lack thereof) and my silences.
I don’t expect you to understand,
but you have my gratitude for taking the time to try to….